I recalled the time when I was surprisingly free, going around in my bike and revisited some memories of my past.
The building I step foot on was strangely quiet and musty, like stale moss mixed with a lingering scent of ammonia. The moss clogged signage reads W5A, an acronym for Workshop 5 Architecture.
That was where I toiled the days, trying to earn my Diploma back in ‘03. The school of Architecture is a stark contrast as compared to the business students at the other end of Singapore Polytechnic.
Even our daily getup was different. They wore clothes that would make the campus proud while us Archi students wear flip-flops and thrift store outfits while drinking our endless dose of coffee — either roast or dripped — as we toil away at our intricately scaled conceptual models.
One thing that makes me dread was the Joint Critique Session which was held at the end of every semester. It was basically a presentation of our works to the panel of lecturers while they try to uncover faults, in order to improve our case.
While I do agree that we need to tackle our weaknesses, does it mean that this is the only way to improve?
The Bane of Criticism
Criticisms are something we detest.
We are social creatures who are, more often than not, are affected by emotions even though we mutually agree on logic and rational thinking.
I have a hunch that the more we critique, the more it makes someone try to defend their position or conjure rationalizations to make others see their point of view.
“Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything no matter how wrong it may be. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.”
— Dale Carnegie
We criticize because it is easy since there are almost no repercussions to the one who criticize. The burden is always on the other party and there are always those who take delight with finding flaws, while they swagger with self-importance.
The road to improvement
There are many alternatives to improve others. Below are some of the easy techniques that I have used, or uncover in my very limited experience of adulthood.
Paying attention to when they do good
One of the ways is to try catching people while they are doing good. We teach others by paying attention to the times when they perform something that is favorable.
For example, we appreciate our friend’s patience for waiting by saying thanks. We give praise to our child when they wash their dishes. We express our gratitude for our neighbor when they help us to keep the common corridor clean.
Action speaks louder
Take an instance where you would like to persuade others to your way of thinking.
For example, you would want your child to build up a good habit, say, reading books.
You start by saying the merits of reading a book.
Then, you start to read a book.
People are more likely to mimic your actions when we demonstrate how effortless it is to do good.
Ask meaningful questions
Should we need to critique, ask relevant questions that can reveal more about why they do things in a particular way. I like to adopt this by asking the 5 whys until we find the root cause of the problem.
Finally, make the person feel like it is their suggestion instead of ours. After all, it is our duty to make them grow.
An example of a question to ask, which can lead to a solution,
Q: What would you suggest would be a good way to improve your reading?
A: Having a notebook on my side will definitely help me jot down any concepts which I find it hard to grasp.
While the above example may sound manipulative, think of it as a way to improve our relationships and someone in need of advice. By doing so, we are actually doing them a service which extends a long way to both our wellbeing.
What do you think? Do let me know if there are other techniques that you would like to share.
